An Overwhelming Sadness

So now we were home and still recovering from the surgery and just learning how to be with each other. I absolutely felt overwhelmed. Trying to get everything in order and to top it off we were moving ! Talk about stress! Three days after coming home, my parents had to go back to their home state and my husband had to return to work and start traveling. I was alone. My sister was around but I did not want to burden her so much and she has her own life to attend to. I was alone with a newborn. A newborn that just started adjusting to life outside of my safe belly and is now in this environment where everything I read on the internet is harmful. AAAAHHHH! Be careful with the soft spot on his head. Watch his breathing. Make sure he is not cold. Make sure he is not overheated. Make sure his lips are not blue or discolored. Why is he crying? Has he eaten enough? What if I am not producing enough milk? Watch out for your long hair it can wrap around his toes ! OMG! Life with a newborn is incredibly stressful, but on top of it all I was lonely and still in so much post surgery pain. I cried about everything. Why couldn’t I have my mom with me the way other moms had theirs? Why wasn’t my home filled with amazing visitors and people comforting me? HELLO I HAD A BABY! Where is everyone? Two things I learned people are busy and others don’t believe in vaccines and we had made our first decision as parents that we needed visitors to have the vaccination for the whooping cough because we couldn’t bare to think of our little one going through such pain. Especially now with his lung collapse and all it was imperative. The first months of my son’s life was a super lonely, scary and emotional time. I could not stop crying! What the heck! You name it I cried through commercials, Facebook posts, whatever made me bawl! My doctor asked me a question that scared me to death… “Do you want to harm the baby?” UMMMMM NO! What kind of question is that? Now I went home and cried because the doctor thinks I want to harm my baby. I was a mess and did I mention I was alone? Newborns really don’t speak back to you and are very boring. They feed, spit up, poop and sleep. Yep that’s about it. Why am I writing this post you may ask… I want you to know that everything is going to be ok. That even though you are going through such a dark time and you feel like it is the end of the world it is not and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyday that passes you become stronger and things become easier and you cry less. Five months later I am still a bit emotional but I work through it and now Mr. Landon is so interactive we have the best time together. Breathe and Breathe some more. This is where I found meditation. I close my eyes for five minutes and focus on my breathing. I took walks and found those 5-10 minutes meant the world to me. There is a ton of support for postpartum depression and I am here to tell you that the sadness ends and YOU WILL BE FINE AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. But I also want to stress that if you need help please go to your doctor…. there are a lot of options for stressed out mommas. Also if you know a momma that is going through this support support support ! Show her that she is not alone. Make time for her. Bring her a meal and let her know that you are there. Show some love. Mommas of the world need it.

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